What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
