I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize