Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
