His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
