Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
