it's not cheating when I paid for it
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
