I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
