Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
