I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
