I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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