you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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