I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
