i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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