Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize