I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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