this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
