when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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