remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
