theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
