I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
