She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize