She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
