I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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