So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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