Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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