I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I need to calm my uterus...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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