my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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