I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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