WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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