What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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