Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
