your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
