just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
