I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
New vibrator arrived today.
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
