Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
even my farts smell like vagina
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
