So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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