I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Vodka?
Forever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
