I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
