Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
