If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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