My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
