I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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