I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
