I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
