everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize