I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
