i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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