He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's always time for handjobs
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
