Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
