John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
