I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
