there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
