the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
