I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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