I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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