Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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