Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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