i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
