forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
