I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
