Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
