i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
