I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
