Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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