Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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