I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
