Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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